The aforementioned miscarriage wound up almost killing me, as it turned out. I lost about half the blood in my body before I was taken to the hospital by two of the best friends the world can offer. After all of the assorted misery, discomfort, trauma, et cetera, I am feeling the need to change some things, move in a new direction with my life.

I have enjoyed meeting many people over the course of my time in this role, and I would love to maintain friendships with those who would be open to it. I am also not too proud to admit that I will need help with the starting over again process, and many people have expressed that I have great potential or should be working in another field; if anyone has any ideas or assistance along those lines, please contact me.

My daphneswain.com site and associated email addresses are gone, but many of you know other ways to reach me. If you comment on this post asking for a current email address for me, I will reply with that information.

Thank you all for a lot of good times and fond memories!

Daphne

So, I was pretty specifically planning to keep this one to myself....

But time goes by, it does, and it turns out to take a bit longer than I had hoped to recover from having been briefly pregnant.

Yes, that's what I said.

Anyway, I hope to be 100% myself again before the end of the month. Believe me, I can't wait!

Just got done reading over the latest version of the idiotic laws I wrote about before (the 2257 regs that killed off a lot of independent adult sites, including daphnexxx.com), and I've got to say, I'm impressed.
No, really.
I mean, I've spent a fair amount of time snickering at the apparent eunuchs that populate our government, and even more time raging about the mealy-mouthed Puritan garbage they all spewed, but this kind of shows them in a whole new light, you know?

See, I would have thought that with all there is to think about and focus on and create and pass laws about, and all the brutality and injustice and desperate poverty and disease ravaging the world, and how America has gone from the schoolyard bully the other kids couldn't help wishing they were friends with to the rich-kid menace who only hasn't been expelled or pummeled yet because his family's even scarier...I just would have thought there were probably a lot of higher priority issues to consider. Having struck that first dubiously utile blow against the enterprise of sexually suggestive internet entertainment, they had surely done all they could to protect us from the devastating threat represented by naked-nude-lascivious intent--oh my!

But that's where I clearly underestimated our leaders, and I publicly acknowledge my error.
For if they are willing to add to a law that was already an egregious waste of time and money new provisions, caveats and minutiae that make the end result an even bigger waste of time, money, paper and ink, then they are sexually obsessed perverts; they have left us no room for doubt as to their deviance.
With so many other claims on their attention, they committed to the noble crusade to eliminate all genital imagery from American internet sites, and that makes clear how much they wanted to think about and look at and study and discuss all the pictures of pussy and prick they could come upon, and that pun I will not apologize for.

Thank you to our fine government, doing your level best to undermine the founding fathers' blasphemous ideals of free expression and individual liberty. Thank you also for keeping a whole mess of would-be crime-fighters busy with safely salacious policing of paperwork as opposed to less prurient (albeit clear-and-present) danger such as might be posed by the types who didn't have registered addresses for their websites to store ponderous records at in the first place.

I hope I've helped remind you all why we should be proud to be Americans, where at least we know we're free (in comparison to a lot of other places, and no doubt in comparison to ourselves after another few years).

I've spent the better part of this week somewhere between delirium and unconsciousness.... As I return to the world of the living, here is a neat link I found a while back with some interesting thoughts on what makes a good dom.


http://rogerothornhill.typepad.com/confessions_of_an_english/2006/02/what_makes_a_go.html

cryptoeconomic: adj. refers to the use of misleading or unconventional digits or characters so as to confound unwanted observers regarding the true numeric values being discussed. Commonly used for black market transactions and government contracts.

So, I’m finally getting around to an update on this journal, as a kind of warm-up for my brain, post-concussion…yes, that’s the week’s funfest: I managed to get myself good and concussed. In bed, no less. Whoever decided those hard, sharp, wooden frames around windows were a good idea, let alone at bed height, was clearly a sadist. Ow. Big Ow followed by several days of mental haziness, constant headache, and near-narcolepsy. Took till today for me to lose the vague aphasia borne of the droning migraine, and I will confess to having spent most of the week asleep. Sooo, the first journal entry in a fair while–I will try to cover the things I meant to when I was thinking about it last week before I dinged my cranium.

For starters, the question asked of me the most these days concerns the fate of my old pay site, daphnexxx.com. Well, score one for the idiotic law they passed of late. As one might expect, the Webmaster who ran my site as well as several others found it to be too great a burden to maintain all the nitpicky minutiae nonsense they require as records, not to mention being present at home during any and all business hours in case the Man came calling to nose around. Can’t say as I blame him, though as you can tell, I blame the law quite a bit. Yet another asinine restriction with no conceivable purpose beyond limiting the financial ventures of individuals to guarantee the continuing income to big corporations. Sermon done, soapbox relinquished.

I do miss the site, though, most particularly every Monday at 1:30. For nearly a year, that was my weekly hour of free webcam broadcast to all the members of all the sites on the network. I got to go online and have a lot of fun, usually alone, though on a few memorable occasions, with guests, and there were 500-600 men (and some women too) watching and typing at me. Most said nice things, and the ones that were rude got kicked right the hell off, thanks to the ultra-groovy chat patrol. If I got offended by something they missed (like the asshole who wanted to hurt my cat!), all I had to do was say something like, “Well, BigTool4U, I don’t even want to hear from you since you said hateful things about my cats!” And poof–he was ejected.

Mondays were also my time-keeper, in a way. I don’t have much of a schedule on a recurring basis, and for months, that absolute plan every Monday was how I kept track of days. Without it, I find I lose entire weeks without a blink. I don’t miss the little bit of money I got from the site, because that was less than $100 a month, on average. I just loved the Mondays, because they always left me feeling pretty and cheerful, and they were just fun. (Masturbating alone, without an audience, has become a little bit of a letdown. Man, that’s weird.)

Anyway, I know there was more I intended to include, and I guess I’ll remember it after I get some caffeine into my system, but for now, I will just post this before I can get sidetracked or something. Last thing, I have a new phone number, and I sent it to some people, but there are those who expressed discomfort receiving any return email in the past, and those who had written from too many addresses for me to know which one was right, and just those who had been out of contact for a while and so weren’t in my email’s recent history…if you write to me, we’ll sort it out!

Afterthought: in recent months, I have had standing plans every week on Wednesday, so that is the most “schedule” I can claim at the moment. And to all a good rainy day afternoon! :)

Okay, so here is my flat-out admission of shortcomings I have discovered in recent months. Despite my best intentions, I suck at minutiae. I love meeting new people; I love spending time with new and long-time friends; I love having plans.... I hate making plans, though. For the first time in my life, I understand why the job of "appointment setter" exists. The sheer volume of information I have to sift through to make any attempt at coordinating schedules is alone sufficient to wear me out at times. It's not so hard when it comes to people I already know, but the initial meeting is more difficult for a variety of reasons. One, to put it plainly, is the confusion of anonymity. It's easiest to make plans over the phone if the idea is to get together soon...but if I give out my number to a handful of people I have not yet met and know only through email, then I may be getting calls from people who identify themselves by first names, which are rarely unique, and I am stuck with the awkward phone dance of trying not to betray my uncertainty as I wait for more clues. If I'm talking to someone I have met in the past, how insulting will it be if I try to suggest a place for us to meet for the first time? Meanwhile, if I incorrectly assume I'm talking to Steve who has sent a photo vs. Steve with whom I have just exchanged emails, I can risk my life by disclosing more information than I should. All this was meant to show a little bit of what is on my mind when I am dealing with correspondence, et cetera. There is so much to consider, and the risks of doing it poorly are unacceptable. The fact is that over the months I have been receiving email through this site, I have missed out on a great many more intriguing possibilities than I care to guess. Nearly every day brings another couple-several positive letters I would like to respond to. But I get through a couple, and then it is time to start getting ready to actually interact face to face with someone. As a rule, I loathe cutting short my time with a friend, so my visits tend toward longish and can verge on excessive! Subsequently, I may or may not get back to the email again that day. And if I do, there is another issue that arises…. If I spent my morning on the paperwork per se, and then my afternoon and into the evening entertaining company, and then I know that my most responsible move would be to jump immediately back into the paperwork after they’ve gone, although I am hungry and tired and need to freshen up, not to mention the invitation I have from friends to go hang out tonight, et cetera…. The end result, often, a sort of psychological stalemate which manifests as procrastination. I know there are things I should be doing…and I know there are other things I really want to be doing…the guilt over the should be stands in the way of the want to be, and yet the resentment over the want to be interferes with the should be…this is how the PC equivalent of doodling can eat hours of my life sometimes. In theory, at least, I am often doing something productive, but then I nod off for a minute here or there and lose my focus, and when I snap back to attention, I just doodle, it feels like. So…what that was amounted to somewhere between an apology, an explanation, and an invitation…if you’ve ever written to me in the past and we’ve never met, it doesn’t mean I didn’t really want to meet you, necessarily. Much of the time, it has had more to do with time and timing. And those are things I am still trying to get the hang of.

I finally got through to my webmaster tonight, and he assures me daphnexxx.com will be back up and running as soon as he has his ducks in a row regarding the moronic new laws governing such sites.... Have you heard about this happy crappy? The laws are purported to be anti-child-porn measures, but that's just throwing a prom dress on a kangaroo and calling it a BMW (and yes, that sentence was meant to sound like it was written by a crack-head). Fact is, the laws do not target the kind of site that exploits children. They just don't. They are only affecting legitimate sites, such as mine.
I subscribe to the principle of teleology; I look at results, not intentions, because intentions cannot reliably predict results, but results can betray true intent after the fact (with the latter, it is only reasonable to make judgments when there is a pattern of behavior established. Alternatively, in extreme cases, you're likely reacting to more conclusive evidence in the first place, rather than interpreting someone's intentions after an uncertain chain of events.... Logic 101, thank you very much, and appy-polly-logies for the tangent).
And so!, back to the original point, forgive my digression....
Since the only results of the new laws have been the sudden shut-downs of innumerable legal sites whose owners and webmasters were involved on only a part-time or dabbling basis, it can be stated fairly confidently that (and you might want to hold onto something for support as the next words may stun and unsettle you!)...the government is...(gasp)...completely full of crap!?!?!
Yes, you heard it here ;), the lawmakers are LYING to us. Oh well, it probably feels like truth to them at this point, considering how long they've been at it and how little contact they have with humans outside of election years.
See, if you read the new regulations, there is not a damned syllable that is pertinent to protecting children from being forced into pornography. It's all lip service and spin, in the grand tradition of Republican Party TV spots (anyone see this one straw-man fallacy waste of 30 seconds last year during the campaign farce? I still can't figure out how people say this kind of stuff with a straight face.... The spot I'm thinking of was one that accused Kerry of opposing a bill that would "protect pregnant women from violence." HAHAHAHAHA!!! How did I manage to miss the part where they incorporated the Justice League of America into Congress, thereby making it possible to create superhero bills! Yes, a bill has the capacity to make violence stop! Actually, we should picket as of now and demand the magic bills protect the rest of us from violence too, damn it! Ah, I weep for what this country has devolved into).
I really didn't mean this to be a parenthetical rant so much as a simple informational post, but the fingers type what they choose. To wrap it up, the laughable new laws require of all sites with pornographic material that the webmaster be available at the site's registered physical address during “regular business hours.” Therefore, anyone who has a full-time occupation that takes them away from their home has no choice but to shut down.
The laws detail how records must be maintained, even down to the inane details of which color folders to use for which data. No, I’m not kidding.
The data all sites are expected to keep available at all times at the location specified is so immense and comprehensive that the sheer volume of it will put more sites out of business due to their sudden unplanned need to purchase additional storage space and extra hard drives.
It’s a damned joke, that’s what it is…except that their choice to use the battle-cry of child porn to falsely label this nonsense really makes it stop being funny. The false association causes most people to approve based on the title and summary without ever bothering to look at the details, and it severely inhibits opposition of any kind, because no one wants to be the Emmanuel Goldstein figure in tomorrow’s 30 seconds of Hate, publicly defamed as the “child-porn supporter.”

So, long story well, long, but anyway—the site is temporarily down, while the webmaster scrambles to make sure the indexed thumbnails are in the green folder, et cetera et cetera. Bless him for being that diligent; I’d never be able to do it myself. We will be back online in the near future, within a couple of weeks, he indicated. But the important part is that the noble and ongoing effort to discourage and undermine any methods by which the lower classes manage to earn money outside of their pre-approved roles has struck another powerful blow…huzzah! Stomp out the proletariat! Crush their unworthy spirits! And pass me that there nudie magazine, Jeb. Much obliged.

Safe sex isn’t something we do for other people. It’s something we do for ourselves. Why? Because we know whether or not we are telling the truth–we have no such certainty about each other. No matter how much you want to trust someone, want to believe them, common sense has to be the primary factor in these decisions. If nothing else, it’s undeniable that when sex is involved, it provides an unambiguous motive for dishonesty in all people EXCEPT those who have nothing to lie about. People are likeliest to lie when it will get them what they want, and sex is something everyone wants (though, unfortunately, not all at the same times or in the same directions…man, that would save the world if we could make that miracle happen!). Therefore, logically, you can ask people about their history and their practices and their health as much as you want, and the responses you get are about as valuable as a dog’s response if you ask him the conversion rate from Euros to Bahts.

If it is an accepted rule of thumb that you have to be tested for every possible contagion at least 3 months after your most recent contact, then most people are going around lying to each other most of the time, and it’s just a fucking fact (pun contrition acknowledgment). Lying is maybe a harsh indictment; I think in most cases, we’re just basically “best guess” equivocating. It would be most honest to preface all safety assertions with “As far as I am aware.” As in:

“As far as I am aware, I have no diseases.”

This might mean, “I have been tested since my last relationship, but my relationship ended last month, so the three-month window is not closed.”

From that understanding, it is appropriate to:

A. Jump into a wild wanton sexual fling and drink each other’s bodily fluids like ambrosia.
B. Glare down your nose at the bizarrely forthcoming person who failed to play the common game of pretense and falsehood, and go hit on someone else.
C. Reckon you can’t make a more solid claim yourself, given the blind date you got laid on last week, change the subject to something more entertaining, and wind up engaging in safe sex later with this person, without either of you whining about the safety measures or trying to evade them.

If you think of safety as something you’re doing “for other people,” you aren’t necessarily going to do it as consistently. And you’re more vulnerable to the challenge we’ve all heard from men who hate condoms: “Hey, I’m okay with it, I trust you.” Ladies, if you haven’t caught on to this one yet; when a man turns your fear around and uses it to imply that you are the likelier candidate for whatever you’re suspicious about of him, then lets you know what a great saintly guy he is for trusting/forgiving you, he is manipulating you. Okay, back to the point. You don’t do it for other people, because then other people can talk you out of it. You don’t do it for other people, because you can’t trust that they are doing it for you. You don’t do it for other people, because in the end you are the only one accountable to you.

I have unsafe sex. I will fully and freely admit it. Not with just anyone, mind you, but with the very occasional man in my life who is truly special, yes, absolutely, and I love it. I revel in it. It’s delicious and exciting and intense.
Of course, the other sex I have, the safe kind, with the people I like but don’t love…that’s really great too. And if I gave in to pressure and compromised my standards with the people I didn’t love, I wouldn’t have the right to have what I have with those I do. And so I have safe sex (some even call it annoyingly safe), and I do it for myself, and I reward myself in the guiltless debauchery of unsafe sex when I find the relationship worthy of it.

So, don’t ask. Be appreciative of the fact that someone is taking these things into consideration. Maybe wonder a little bit why anyone in their right mind would choose not to…. Don’t embarrass yourself by asking for special treatment where none is warranted. Yes, all men hate condoms; women don’t like them much either. But you can’t talk anyone out of protecting themselves; you can only potentially excuse them from the duty of protecting you…and if you’re willing to give them that kind of credit when your life is on the line, imagine that same person asking you right then if you would co-sign a loan for them. Oh, the horrors, you’re thinking! You’re affronted at the notion of taking that kind of risk for them….

If you’re going to have unsafe sex with someone, they better also be someone you would share a contract with…and a toothbrush. If you’d trust them with your life, you should trust them with your car…or your credit card.

So do us the favor of not asking. Just don’t ask, to avoid insulting me, to avoid humiliating yourself. You already know the answer. Don’t ask, don’t try. Just do the right–-the smart-–thing.

It left me thinking how odd it is that many men are so skeptical or even disgruntled over women's sexual preferences...the article ends with the gentle reminder that not every woman enjoys everything, so if this works, great, and if not, try something else. Yet my experience has been that most men are unwilling to believe that I could possibly not like something. Granted, that attitude is clearly delusional, but the fact of it remains!
Much has been said or implied in various venues concerning my lack of enthusiasm for receiving oral attention. Fact is, sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I don't need it in any case, and while if I enjoy it, I really enjoy it...if I don't so much enjoy it, it's kind of a mood-dampener, and that's not worth it, right? I'm a little confused to be honest about the degree of importance this activity seems to have. Now, admittedly, I'm from the Northeast, and I found it to be rare that any guy was open to going down on a girl at all. So it strikes me as unusual that most men seem to enjoy doing it here. But if you ask a guy why he enjoys it, the answer usually does come down to, "Because I like turning the woman on, seeing her get excited," et cetera.
If that is truly what it's about, then what's wrong with just doing some other thing that will really work for a girl when that one option may not? Some tricks I like might not be useful with a lot of other girls, too--it's just part of the experience of being with a new partner. If you are open to new experiences, you might have some pretty unique and memorable adventures! If you want to have the same experience repeatedly, only changing the face of the other person from time to time, that's kind of restrictive, and it's probably not too far off from the basic problem people have with monogamy--they try to have the narrowest possible sex life, and the lack of variety misleads them to believe they need variety in people, when they'd be happier in every way if they'd just let go and learn to have fun!

(anyone who caught the subject line reference gets a cookie)

So, it's been kind of blowing my mind as I read the boards that many of the most offensive things I see are written by some of the other women. I don't get it. Woman's inhumanity to woman is pathetic, genuinely execrable. It has no purpose or motivation save sucking up to any man who might see it. For a woman to make a huge show of publicly denouncing one of her peers (or her "competition," I must remember that's the attitude in this situation...) is the biggest crap move and should cost her a cup size so she'll learn some tact, kindness, and humility.

If the wench had anything resembling well-meant advice to share with her comrade, she would say it privately, not craft a snide and derisive comment that purports to address the other lady but is clearly only intended as a little extra groveling at the feet of all men, extra advertising at the expense of another's image. It's a cheap, lousy, dishonorable shot, and it's grotesque to see the regularity with which this ploy is very successfully used to hit another girl below the belt just to lure another man or two in their own direction.

Really, as much as it reeks of cliche, it must be largely forgotten, so I'll take this platitude for the team--

Come on, ladies, don't we have enough to worry about without sabotaging each other??? Grow the hell up!

Well, it amused the hell out of the Castle employee today when I went toy shopping.

Joke you if you can't take a fuck.

Men who are determined to think of women (particularly those of us in this lifestyle) as motivated only by greed...men who make bitter comments about being "walking ATMs" in the eyes of females...

Don't these men realize they are expressing wretched insecurity and a complete lack of confidence? They are saying that they believe no woman could ever have any interest in them for any other reason. Ironically, that may not have been true until they started talking like misogynistic creeps.

I don't do what I do "for the money." I need to make a living, so do we all, but I will say this again, so as to avoid confusion:

I would rather starve to death on the street than do anything I didn't want to do.

Maybe this part hasn't occurred to some people, but look at what I name as a donation rate, as compared to other women of my age and type. It's low for a reason--because I want to be able to see anyone I want to see, not just the people who can afford it. I could charge more and work less, but I'd be limiting myself pretty drastically, because a lot of men I have a wonderful time with would never have contacted me, because I'd be out of their budget, and conversely, I'd be almost desperate for work and essentially forfeit the right to be as selective as I am.

I don't have a fancy lifestyle, nor do I aspire to one. I live within my means, which are simple. I like my life that way.

In addition, I'm not doing this "because I have to." I am a college graduate, and I have talents and skills in several areas, as well as years of experience outside the sex industry. I choose this life because I love it. And if I were to accept the offers of every inquiring party, I would hate it. I also would cease to be the selective sort, and I am under the impression that facet of my personality is appreciated.

When anyone refers to my needing there to be a "spark" of some sort with a man, in order for us to have a good time, that is true. And the snarky, derisive, not to mention ignorant retort of "hey, you gals ain't allowed to have preferences" really means nothing to me. A: as I point out, I'm not asking for a lot in return, and that gives me the absolute right to turn away anybody I choose. The way I see it, I'm buying that privilege. You want to see someone who will give a great performance and act like she finds you entertaining when you're talking about how George Bush is your hero and like she finds you enticing when you're imitating a q-tip, then you don't want to see me. You might have to see someone who asks more of you. Not my problem. B: When I say "spark," I don't mean physical attraction. That's nice when it happens, but it's a bonus, not a requirement. What "spark" means is compatibility. When we're together, if I'm enjoying myself with you, that's a spark. Whether the reason for the enjoyment is that you're fascinating to listen to, or you're really intense and energetic, or I find your masculinity compelling, or you're unmistakably kind...any or all of these things as well as many others could make me feel what I'd call a "spark." I’ve never rejected anyone on the basis of “appearance.” That would be silly.

I’m remarkably tolerant and forgiving, as well. I’ve been stiffed, and I’ve been very inadequately compensated without any agreement, and I’ve never said a word about it, even to the guilty parties. If they bothered to acknowledge it in some way after the fact, I’ve even seen them again. Those who never made any move to apologize just get ignored subsequently. Similarly, I have had some appointments last phenomenally long times…one afternoon was more than 8 hours in duration…I never asked for anything more than I went in expecting. If they gave more, it was appreciated, as it was if they made any sort of acknowledgment of the time verbally, such as apologizing, or offering me a ride somewhere if I might be late…. If they made no attempt to let me know they appreciated the extra time and attention, then they dropped a bit in priority too.

Also, regarding certain activities, and whether I do them certain ways…is everyone aware that it is entirely possible to get gonorrhea in your throat? Or that oral contact is a “low-risk” activity for HIV, not a “risk-free” one? If I see someone very regularly, then I feel relatively confident with their being consistent in their lifestyle, and I accept the minor risk that they are in fact out living it up in between visits, because it’s a fairly safe bet that they’re not. On the other hand, if I see someone for the very first time, I don’t know if I will ever see them again, so I have no particular reason to take on any additional risk.

And let’s take advantage of that natural segue to talk briefly about risk. We’re always taking a risk when we agree to meet people. Men are too…to a lesser extent. They can see people who have reviews and a track record, and they can know based on these factors what they’re getting into (pardon the pun). They may not enjoy the experience fully for one reason or another, but that’s the risk in every situation for every customer. The risks we take on are far greater, in number and degree. So all the whining about screening is pathetic. You might instead consider that if you ever found a girl who said, yeah sure come on over, in response to a one line email from a stranger, that you would be best off running the other direction top-speed.

Tirade concluded; fire at will.

Today, I did my first cam show for daphnexxx.com. It was just like being back in the peep show in Albuquerque, in many ways. It's so overwhelming, the way I respond to that kind of stimuli, the attention, requests, instructions; I'm apparently hard-wired to perform first and ask questions later. Perhaps I've just redefined "submissive" in only minimally different terms.
Anyway, it was fun. So begins a new weekly ritual!

Turn-offs include:

Pushiness. I love when men are commanding, but I hate when they're demanding; love masculine, hate macho. If I say no, that's the end of the discussion. If you try to talk me out of the no, you'll just piss me off. Don't even ask why not; if I am uncertain on anything, I won't say no, I'll ask for more information. Once I say no, I'm sure of the no.

Whininess. If we haven't managed to set up a time to meet for whatever reason, and you start bombarding me with email messages and/or phone calls, saying things like, "I don't know what you've got that's so important that you can't see me," or whatever petulant gripes, it makes me think of you as someone who won't be satisfied with anything, so I don't want to bother trying to satisfy you.

Baby talk. Don't pitch your voice high and for gods sake don't refer to body parts or activities with childhood euphemisms.

That ear thing. You know the one...why do so many men think it would be a good idea to stick their tongues all the way into a woman's ear? It doesn't feel good; it feels wet and makes me wish for a q-tip. Not to mention, it can't possibly have any sensual quality for the man either, so let's just leave that little item off the menu.

Talking about inappropriate and unrealistic types or degrees of emotion. You don't fall in love with someone within an hour or two of meeting them. You really really don't. And it's just sullying the reality of profound feelings to assert them disingenuously.

Turn-ons include:

Talk dirty to me. I love to hear a man's thoughts and urges in that low breathy growl right by my ear. And commands are a bonus. (Special note: I prefer cunt to pussy. Call me crazy, but something's odd about referring to a woman's pussy when she has three cats.)

Know what you want, and want it bad. Passion, intensity, desire that is a drive rather than a drift. Grab onto me and put me where you want me to be.

Favorite parts of the male body:

Upper arms. Strong and powerful arms make it almost impossible not to want what he wants.

Cock. So I'm shallow...at least I'm straightforward about it!

And most importantly:

From the neck up. Including the face, the smile, the eyes, the nose, the hair or scalp as the case may be, the facial hair or lack thereof, the lips and tongue and voice, and most of all the mind. A man's body is not at all important--it's at best a nifty bonus and at worst a moment's thought...the parts that matter are the closest to me when we're kissing.

And there have already been a couple of subscriptions! Woo-hoo!

In other news, I'm still catching up on my correspondence and related chores, so please forgive me!

Well, I got my DSL installed at the beginning of the week, wrestled with it for days on end, and finally today went out and bought a new computer that could actually handle the workload of running at a respectable speed! Naturally, the business now of transferring everything over to the new machine is a bit daunting, and on top of the bother of all the techy nonsense, I have an out-of-the-blue out-of-town guest showing up to drive me out of my senses! Parents should not drop in without warning for holiday visits; now THAT should be a law! Suffice to say, I'm running further behind than usual; embarassingly so, in fact. My apologies to any who have felt uncertain if I was going to get back to them...December is almost over, and we'll relax together :)...

I get a fair amount of email, to put it mildly. Some I'll answer pretty much on the dot, and some I'll seem to get to a week or more late. It's not personal (when it is, I'm likelier to disregard the entire message and its sender), and it's not deliberate. Here's the thing:

1. Priorities.
The first priority is always to answer messages from people I know and like a great deal. Then to follow up on mid-range getting to know you messages with those I've chatted with a bit maybe but not met so far. Then, new messages have to come in third. I know it seems that I should just plug away at it until I'm done every time, but email can resemble Mickey's brooms in Fantasia, in that no matter how much you do, it can just keep flooding in...while online answering a couple of messages, some of the ones I've already replied to and thought were done for now are online and writing back...and they expect a quick reply, because it's probable that I'm still online too.... And it can wear out your hands, your eyes, and your brain to try to play the little Dutch boy who stuck his finger in the dike.

2. Bruce Wayne syndrome
The other odd factor at work here is that I essentially have an alter ego, and there's really only so much time you can spend as one or the other each day. This is also why I'm not really great on the phone sometimes. The phone rings, and the wrong aspect of my personality picks up...it's hard to switch into the other frame of mind spur of the moment. Fact is, I make appointments and don't do last-minute calls much for a reason--when I know you're on the way, I can be ready to see you. If I wasn't in the mood at all, it's not that likely you'll get me in the mood by saying, "So, are you available right now?" You could get farther with some more personal and enticing words...but if I was planning to do something when the phone rang, I'm not likely to get talked out of it. I'm happy to be here for you when I say I will be...I can't apologize for the other hours of the day. If your office called you all hours of the night to deliver non-urgent messages and update you on the progress of the nightly system scandisk process, you'd wonder why you couldn't just be away from work and have that be okay, right? It's not that different for me, when I'm tired from real life interaction and then turn on my computer to find 10 new messages, each deserving individual attention and a thoughtful reply. I'll do it as speedily as I can muster the energy and focus to write, but it's not meant as an offense if it takes a few days. I'm trying to get it right not just get it written.

Q: do you like men in general and your sessions in general?

A: No, I like men in specific. I like my sessions in
general because I rarely choose the wrong partners for
me. I love sex when it happens correctly.
I loathe sex when it happens with no regard for a
participant's consent or physical enjoyment, safety,
or well-being. I don't particularly like sex when
(even if it was begun acceptably) it involves elements
that turn me off, but in that case, I'll either advise
my partner of that, or I'll choose not to see them a
second time (if what happened was probably not so much
an option as just a part of them they can't alter).
I love men who become my friends and/or lovers. I
dislike men who attempt to trick or use me. I loathe
men who are interested in having sex that is of the
type I loathe.